Some people seem reluctant to take their turn to write an entry in this most auspicious Vale Royal Writers’ Group blog thing.
But not I.
Last month I seized the nettle of fame with both grasping hands, unable to contain my enthusiasm, and then eager for the meeting to end so that I could get home and start penning my masterpiece!
And then I got distracted.
I now have about 30 minutes to come up with something, and I have made a mental note never to volunteer again.
Yes, I have become one of the reluctant ones.
Anyhow, here we are… and rather than just moan about how I have no inspiration and no capability and no time, I am going to use this blog entry to help anyone who reads it to become a better writer.
There are no end of writing exercises on the internet. I have tried many of them and even if I did them all together simultaneously and backwards whilst standing on my head and singing my least favourite Abba song I can assure you that I would hardly break a sweat.
So this month I will share a few techniques of my own devising which you are welcome to use, but please note (a) that you should consult your medical practitioner before undertaking them, and (b) that I can accept no liability for any injuries (or worse) that might arise.
There is no such thing as writer’s block. It is just laziness. Use the following technique to unleash your stream of brilliance.
- Sit down with pen and pad or with computer.
- Set a timer for 15 minutes.
- Write continuously until the timer sounds.
- If you stop or if you score anything out before the timer sounds, then go to the nearest wall and bang your head against it 5 times… hard.
- When you recover consciousness and have cleaned the blood off the carpet, return to Step 1.
There is nothing so frustrating as coming up with the best words you have ever thought of but then being unable to get them down on paper while you can still remember them. This problem will eventually be resolved by neural transplants and reliable speech recognition, but in the meantime the only way to counter this problem is to train yourself to write fast.
At least 3 times a week you should choose a suitable word or phrase and then write or type it as many times as you can during a timed 5 minute session. Graph your results and you will see improvement week on week until you reach the physical limits and your fingers go into spasm. (See next exercise.)
A potential bonus of this exercise is that it will transport you back to punishment exercises during your schooldays…. supposedly the happiest time of your life.
In order to delay the onset of finger/hand cramps or spasms (see above) it is important that we regularly exercise the muscles involved. The best way of doing this is to get a couple of old tennis balls and to squeeze and release in a rhythmic pattern. It is recommended that this is practiced for 10 minutes three times per week. Squeezing your balls can be done anywhere and at any time, so it is a good idea to carry them with you to allow you to make good use of what might otherwise be wasted time.
Writing exercises aren’t all about brainpower and inspiration. To be a truly successful writer you must find the right blend of physical and intellectual exercises.
Bill Webster May 2017